Do you believe it is important for a child to feel loved unconditionally?
“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our Children”.
Charles R. Swindoll.
A very common problem in parents with children of any age.
It is a fact that almost all parents love their children, but even then, children exhibit an attitude of nonconformity, selfishness, aggressiveness, violence; or behave in a way in which their parents simply do not know what to do with them. In extreme cases, some children may exhibit a terrible mix of all the above.
This is not an isolated case. Not much research is needed to realize that this is a pattern of reactivity that is repeated over and over again, regardless of the country, economic status, social position or any predominant external condition. What could it be that makes kids so irritated?
Some adults may say that harsher punishment, reprimands and even a good spanking are in order. That is the way we were educated, and we are shocked by the fact that today there are people wanting to propose a different way of handling this. I am not judging these attitudes; as a mother I also made mistakes, although I have already forgiven myself; because we all do the best we can, according to the knowledge we have and the challenges we have faced.
Other parents act differently, they allow their children any kind of attitude. They let them do everything because they believe that it is a way of giving them freedom, keeping them happy or pleasing them in almost everything, so as not to hear them complain, cry, or exhibit a fit of anger in the form of a tantrum.
From my position I understand this tendency; however, if as a parent you want to have some guidance at hand, or try differently from what is already known, I will gladly offer you my point of view. How to find a balance without going to extremes?
Children are essence and pure love. They see everything as it is and draw their conclusions from what they see and hear. This may translate into a feeling of well-being or discomfort.
For them it is almost vital to feel loved, especially by their parents. But how can a child know that his parents love him? The following situations may seem familiar to you:
- The child receives the most attention and affection from their parents when they are sick; they stop working, cook his favorite foods, or are more permissive. Subconsciously, this conditions them to fall ill in exchange for attention and affection.
- Their parents do not pay attention to them until they exhibit a tantrum (yelling, kicking, throwing objects). After they are convinced the child will not stop, they then take care of him, and this creates a precedent of "this is the most effective way to get what I want." I know some adults who still act this way, like "spoiled children."
- Their parents argue loudly about anything and without reaching an accord. Arguments generate in the child a feeling of guilt about what is happening.
- The parents are constantly immersed in their phones or computers, generating in their child a feeling of "I am not important enough to my parents."
- The child hides if he made a mistake for fear of the consequences that this would bring if his parents knew of it. He learns to lie to protect himself.
- He receives toys or any material stimulus that leaves him calm (without disturbing adults) for as long as possible.
- He perceives that the adults around him lie about their feelings or try to show a false image to the outside. This teaches the child to do whatever it takes to please others. In the early ages, the child will want to please their parents. Later, he could be an easy prey for abuse and manipulation by other people so as not to lose their "love". By then, the child will not trust their parents, ignore advice and good intentions as a result.
- He doesn't feel good-looking, smart, strong, or capable enough compared to siblings, other family members, friends, or schoolmates. Comparison is one of the most harmful practices that affect and mark childhood. They are recorded in the subconscious and contribute to low self-esteem.
If a child does not feel cared for, loved, valued; they can become saddened to the point of illness. He may even do everything he knows that bothers his parents, just for the purpose of getting their attention.
This is an anecdote from my experience as a mother: When my son was around 6 years old, one day he came to me with this question:
- Mommy, do you love me?
To which I responded without thinking:
- Of course, I love you, from my heart.
Then he asked again:
- And if I do something bad, do you still love me?
I answered without any doubt:
- Of course! Whatever you do, I will love you the same. Only that depending on what you did, you can receive a punishment, because every act has consequences.
Then I questioned him:
- And why the question? He said, “It’s nothing.", and so ended of the conversation.
From my perspective at this moment, it is clear to me that at the age of 6 my child had the maturity to know that one of his actions was not quite right or to try to obtain my support as a mother in case he needed it. But I think the second part of my answer, I took away the opportunity to understand that making a mistake does not always deserve punishment, but invariably earns a lesson.
How I would have liked to be more "awake" at that time, because that way I would have deciphered the deep meaning of something so simple, and put a grain of sand to build the loving trust between a mother and her little one.
Do not educate your children based on the fear of the consequences that erratic behavior or a simple daily childish act could trigger. There is a very fine line between guidance and education, and intimidation.
We can all become more aware of each moment and turn living with a child into a beautiful relationship that helps them grow up healthy, feeling loved, respected, listened to and cared for; especially by the people who are there for it.
The following scenes may present themselves daily at home. These are only examples, but each family and situation are different, so here are some ideas that you could take as a reference:
|
Inspires fear |
From love |
|
If you don’t eat, you won’t grow. |
If you’re not hungry, I’m leaving your food here, maybe for later. |
|
You will be punished if you (blank). |
Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you. |
|
If you don’t exercise, you won’t develop. |
Exercising is fun and healthy. |
|
Don’t run, or you’ll fall and hurt yourself. |
Be careful when running. |
It doesn't mean that you must be constantly stressed or thinking what am I doing wrong? Where did I go wrong? Analyze for a moment if what you are going to do or say could generate fear in your child, or if, on the contrary, it is based on love.
As with everything, practice creates mastery. Start today to change the way you talk to your child, sometimes you will be surprised how quickly you can enjoy a change in his attitude, other times you will have to be more patient.
It is truly liberating when one realizes that real change begins when you resolutely decide to change. Instead of pointing outward, try to focus on what you could do differently? Well, what I have tried so far has not brought me what I expected.
Bullying is a harsh word, and no one believes they do it when it comes to educating. We punish children, taking away favorite toys or activities they like, sometimes we also give them what they want, and we are permissive if they leave us alone for a while. We do not realize that not only this creates in them violence, fear, guilt, sadness; but the "problems" are not remedied and tend to snowball.
If you have already gotten this far in reading, perhaps your curiosity and willingness to start guiding your child through love have roused. Even taking short steps, leaving behind previously learned patterns, is progress.
The biggest problem is not what is superficially seen (the behavior that the child exhibits). What is certainly worrying are the memories that are stored in the subconscious mind and that when they reach adulthood, people do not know why they have a tendency to react in certain ways. And well, we also have ancestral memories to consider, but that is a topic for another conversation.
Surely you would like to be able to give your child a happy childhood, and that is easier than it seems. Do everything in your power so that your child feels loved; this will continue to their well-being, health and happiness. No child should grow up without experiencing these.
“Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist”.
Michael Levine.
Some tips that can help:
- Spend as much quality time as possible with your child.
- When your child wants to talk to you, whether you are bathing them, feeding them, or playing; give them your full attention. Ensure that nothing distracts you from the most important thing, which is to be in the "here and now" for them.
- After a tantrum, wait a reasonable time (after a few hours or the next day) and suggest that they express either with words, with pictures, with mimics or in any way (depending on the age and preference) how they felt at that moment. This can help release any unexpressed emotions or feelings.
- Read books to your child; this helps to improve his oral expression and communication. Be sure to comment and ask questions, too.
- Avoid exposing them to screens for more than one hour a day; such as video games, television, telephones, tablets, etc.; especially violent content.
- Dedicate a visible place in your home where you can proudly display your doodles, school projects or any other craft.
“If you want your children to be intelligent,read them fairy tales. If you want them to be more intelligent, read them more fairy tales”.
Albert Einstein.
Today I thought to ask the parents of some of the children in my care, an example of how they do to let their children know that they are loved. These were some of the responses:
- “Showing affection while telling them we love them.”
- “I spend time with each of them individually before bed. We read, sing, chat”
- “Listen and give him my attention when talking. Giving lots of praise for god behavior. Lots of hugs and I love yours, especially after correcting behavior.”
- “We give lots of hugs and kisses and always saying I love you. We tell him we are proud of him often, especially when making good choices and helping.”
- “We are loving, while we tell them that we love them.”
This is a small sample that highlights the fact that to give love to our children does not require effort or spending any money.
If you have some different or creative ideas to let your children know that you love them, write them in the comments, as there are many parents who could feel identified and therefore benefit from it.
Thanks in advance!
“There are no difficult children, but misunderstood and dissatisfied children. It most be very difficult to be a child in this world, full of people who are tired, busy, without patience and in a hurry”.
Anonymous author.
